Ron DeSantis gets waterboarded by Goofy for messing with Disney

Ron DeSantis and Disney have locked horns in a yearlong feud. The governor has been trying his best to save the great state of Florida from the gayness that the entertainment giant has been trying to spread. It has been a highly contested legal boxing match between the two. Mr. DeSantis throws a jab of legal notices, and Disney side steps and returns fire with a heavy right cross of suing the governor.

However, just a week ago things escalated further and the governor had gone missing. There was speculation about what had happened to the beloved governor, but just a few hours ago CCTV footage from Miami had shown the governor being dumped on Ocean Drive in a haggard, disheveled state. When asked about what happened, Mr. DeSantis said that he had been kidnapped and tortured for a week straight by operatives of Disney.

The Governor accounts, “I was sitting in my car about to drive home and the car from the Goofy movie pulled up in front of me. A masked tall lanky man with giant white gloves got out of the car and dragged me out of mine. His hands felt so weird on me; it was like they were a weird dogs’ paws. The manthing took me to a place a few hours from where I had been kidnapped. The whole ride was torture. My ears were violated by a constant grating laugh coming from the perpetrator.”

Multiple reporters asked what happened when they reached the location and the governors responded in detail, “the first day I was completely blindfolded. I could tell there were multiple people discussing what to do with me. The three of them kept whipping me and saying to me this is what you deserve, and you shouldn’t have messed with the house of mouse.”

“When they said this, I knew exactly who I was dealing with. I knew it was mickey, goofy, and daffy. They tortured me for days upon days. The last two days were unbearable. Goofy held me down with chains and waterboarded me endlessly. All I could hear was the water on my face and AKHIYAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. They finally let me go on the seventh day.” Ron DeSantis said.

A reporter asked, “Governor DeSantis will you take action against Disney?”

He replied, “of course, my finest Florida man, a meth addict from Jacksonville and his pet alligator, python hybrid are already on the case. I’ll have their heads on my desk by Tuesday!”