Frank Ocean’s Coachella debacle

Frank ocean

Frank Ocean was scheduled to perform on the final day of Coachella 2023. The much-awaited return of the RnB singer had fans foaming at the mouth since he has not performed since 2019. The singer has led a notoriously private life which has frustrated his fanbase as news of songs or album releases comes about every 5000 years. The result of this extreme privacy has morphed his fans into a collection of conspiracy theorists trying to connect dots that are not present to decipher when new music will finally drop.

During his Coachella set, the crowd was electric; singing one song after another and dancing in a miasma of sweaty armpits and weed smoke. Things reached a fever pitch when the singer announced his upcoming album. He said, “I want to talk about why I’m here, because it’s not because of a new album, not that there’s not a new album…”

With these words the crowd erupted. Reportedly certain audience members screamed so loud and for so long that blood started curdling from their mouth. Apparently, they had destroyed their voice boxes. Others started to cry and call for their mommies uncontrollably after this admittedly inconsequential news, because let’s be honest here every artist that has not released in a long time has a potential album on the way. I could claim that Michael Jackson is coming out with a sequel to Thriller from the grave. Some witnesses also claimed that hardcore Frankophiles started screaming AMBATUKUM whilst drooling from their mouths.

When Frank Ocean attempted to brush over the literal breadcrumbs he threw at fans and talk about some other cryptic stupidity, the audience finally had an important realization regarding this news. His fans finally understood that this news was tantamount to a garbage can. When the tide changed from insane devotion to disappointment, and finally anger, the singer started getting pelted by vape pens and thick handbooks about how many pronouns are currently present. The singer attempted to wrestle control of the crowd but was unable to do so. He was finally hit by a rather large dab pen which caused him to fall unconscious. Members of the crowd finally realized that needlessly worshipping an average at best singer is not worth their time and that maybe their time would be better spent searching for some meaning in their lives.